One of the things that came up recently in my private client coaching work was painfully insightful: People still don’t understand the depth of what I am trying to communicate in my Can I Borrow Your Car methodology.
Specifically: Multi-generation referrals.
Not the feel-good kind.
The kind that quietly introduces risk into a relationship or sales process, while everyone involved believes they’re being helpful.
Here’s the setup:
If you do the Can I Borrow Your Car macro giving process well, really well, you spend most of your time giving. Thoughtfull, intentionally and with deep trust.
And eventually, something predictable happens…and it happened to me recently:
You hand the keys to someone you trust.
A safe driver.
Someone you’d let borrow your car again.
That’s where this gets dangerous.
The Situation (That Looks Fine on the Surface)
I referred a prospective client for me to a friend of mine.
This prospect wasn’t a casual intro. They are really cool, interesting and are someone I was deliberately developing a relationship with because of long term potential and some shorter interval opportunities.
My friend has a complementary product that I refer to often. As part of my relationship-building strategy, I intentionally inserted him into my sales process. The goal wasn’t to offload the prospect, or to delay my process,it was to increase confidence, reduce friction, and accelerate trust.
So far, so good.
My friend handled the initial referral exceptionally well.
Where it went sideways was what happened next:
Without telling me, he referred my prospect to someone else, who it turns out I know and would have (a) eventually introduced to them and (b) would have absolutely agreed to my friend doing the introduction if asked.
No malice.
No incompetence.
No ill intent.
Just… assumptions.
Why This Is Really Important
On the surface, nothing “bad” happened. No explosion. No flaming car wreck or car jacking.
But here’s the real issue:
By making that second referral without looping me in, my friend did two things simultaneously:
- He introduced risk into my sales process without my permission
- He denied me the upside of making that referral myself
That second point is the one people miss.
I was planning to make that introduction later.
Sequenced. Intentionally. At the right moment.
Instead, the timing, framing, and ownership of that next step were taken out of my hands.
That’s not a collaboration and that’s not malicious either.
But it is a breakdown in referral discipline…and a drag on predictable referrals for me down the road if nothing is discussed.
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